In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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