belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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