I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm bleeding and have questions
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
