I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
