Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
