so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
