You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
