So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
