i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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