I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
