HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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