Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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