So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
