Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
