is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
