God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
