my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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