2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
