He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we made out on top of his cat.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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