he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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