So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
