Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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