According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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