I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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