My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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