Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
