In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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