No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
