I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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