i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
