So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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