wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
