paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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