i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
this is an emotional support booty call
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
