There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
