Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
