two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
