Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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