Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
MIDGETS
????
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
