Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
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I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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