awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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