3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Semen is not good for contacts.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
