I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
