Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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