Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
