you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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