i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
