My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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