Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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