I should be sponsored by Trojan
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
