I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
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Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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