i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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