god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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