Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
