It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
