i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
