I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
