Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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