How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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