I want to have your abortion
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
