I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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