I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
