who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I am one with the molecules
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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