He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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