you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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