Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hippo gnu deer
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
